Things yo’ Momma doesn’t teach you……..

So going to Christian Schools my whole life never really covered this subject. My momma doesn’t really need to know…….but….I think I might have a special gift.

Why do I think I have this gift?
Because this shouldn’t be so easy.

I mean, I’m not a criminal.
I’ve never spent time in the slammer.
I do not have a lock pick thingy.
I only carried a fake gun once when I was nine in the airport because I believed I was Magnum PI’s lost love and also a Charlie’s Angel wannabe.

Really though, I have no past record.
No juvey offenses.
Well, except for the one time that I did burp out loud when I was about ten and my mom spanked my brother instead of me and I didn’t fess up until we were in our thirties…..but hey…… other than that, I’m clean…….
So….why didn’t my parent’s tell me I had this special gift? Did they not realize my potential??

Today, it was as if I was one with this door.
Something inside took over…….it was like an outer body experience.
I mean, these are new locks……….not the cheapy kind either…………sealed doors………… (wait…I’m getting way distracted by my big ‘ole hiney in this picture………Ewwwwww)
Anyway, pardon the back fat and back to what I was saying……
I had seen it on tv and even had Davey Crockett explain it to me once before……
So when locked out (for the second time today) I thought……..”Know what……I can do that”………

So I took an old used up gift card …..not cleaning out your purse does come in handy……

and I let my dark side take over……..it was fun in an exciting daring way……….I felt tough …… street smart….like a chunkier, shorter Charlie’s Angel….and within two minutes……….

Waa Lah….

If this doesn’t make you want to get a security system, I do not know what does.

If this also doesn’t make you want to stop chewing blue gum, I do not know what does.

If this also, also, doesn’t make you want to never smile big enough so that you could inhale the camera and show your blue chewing gum, I do not know what does.

Either way, this is a public service announcement…….lock your deadbolts.

Either I have a special gift and a potential future in crime or this is and was, way, way too easy…….

Love,

Me

0 thoughts on “Things yo’ Momma doesn’t teach you……..

  • July 31, 2009 at 6:02 pm
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    You are not as innocent as you claim! I also recall you carrying a “stolen” checkbook (actually an old one of mother and daddy’s). You were pretending that it was yours. While we were at summer camp your lost purse was found and an announcement was made telling the person who owned the purse to come claim it. You were dying of embarrassment because your purse was found with the fake “stolen” checkbook in it.

    Reply
  • July 31, 2009 at 6:10 pm
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    Precious sister…..oh how your memory fades because you are sooooo much older. It was our “older” sisters “closed out account” checks that she gave me to pretend like I had real checks….that and about 500 kleenexes to fill the empty space and a Bible………..They paged
    ” ‘Man of the Cloths’ wife we have your lost purse in lost and found” and you and Margie Daniels both looked at me and I about died having to confess in front of your cooler older friends that it was my purse…….nothing like looking like the baby sister allowed to go on an older youth activity……..Yep…..that was pretty humiliating….thanks for that memory precious.

    Reply

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