Because it’s true……

If you have followed my blog for long you know that there are times that I feel the need to post the “truth”. Not just fun DIY projects or a life that appears to “sparkle” but what real life sometimes deals us.

If you are a new reader, then I ask that you type in the “search” bar section of my blog, “because it is true”. I would like for you to stay with me but I want you to understand that sometimes life isn’t perfect and I feel that I have to share that side of my life as well.

Today is that day again.

Why? Because it is true…….

Tomorrow we will bury Romeo’s mother.


His mother……..

We were driving in the car on Wednesday, to take Freebird and her boyfriend to a fun dinner out, when we received the phone call.

His brother said, “I have some big news. Mom passed away a few hours ago.”

I could see the shock on his face, although I couldn’t hear what his brother was saying.

He repeated, “So, momma died?”

He was driving and I was turning to look in his face, not believing what I heard.

I whispered, “Your mom died?”

My hand automatically reached over to touch him. To try to comfort him.

He just kept, “Uh, huhing and ok, ok…..just let me know what I need to do.”

And he hung up.

One call.

One moment.

And life changes. 

He then said with a shocked voice, “Mom died. Of all things my brother could have called about, I never would have expected that…..I never expected that.”

It was a call he never expected to receive. His step-father had just had a stroke. He had just visited his mother and step father two nights prior. It was his step-father that was in a “bad way”, not his mother. She wasn’t in great health but they never expected to get that call.

Not now.

They would later get the details that she apparently was sitting in a chair in his step-fathers room. His step-father was across the room and saw his wife and partner of forty years, gasp and her head loll back. He yelled her name as he couldn’t get up from his debilitating stroke. He had a pillow next to him and threw it towards her to try to get her to respond. From where he was sitting he couldn’t reach the call button, so he began yelling for the nurses……..they came in the room and began life saving procedures…..but she had passed away. He had to be restrained during this process and had marks on his body where he was trying to get to her, to help her. It appears she died instantly from a massive heart attack.

Why do I feel the need to post about this death? Many of you have experienced the death of a loved one or your parents. This is not something new…….

We all have our “One phone call” moments. A moment, when life is changed.

But this death contains a bit of reality that we do not usually “talk about”.

The side of life that we sometimes want to pretend isn’t there.

Romeo lost his father just a little over a year ago. We had special bonding moments with his father as he had aged and softened. Romeo’s father and mother had divorced when Romeo was in college and his father raised Romeo’s younger siblings from that point on.

He had not really had that “bonding” time with his mother after his parents divorce. That divorce was over 40 years ago. Many years had passed……

We visited his mother and step father occasionally and he would call her periodically but there was a distance. An emotional distance but she was still his mother.

So, this death brings so many different emotions. Conflicted emotions……

 

The siblings that are close, came together to encourage each other. The resounding theme was encouraging each one to not feel “guilt”. That they had given their mother all the love that they could. All the love that she wanted to receive. That they could not have done any more for her. That she didn’t want that…..or invite that.

A parent passing is so hard. A parent or grand parent passing with whom you had a conflicted relationship, brings up different levels of grief as well.

And I know we aren’t alone in this. So, my heart goes out to you that may have had to experience this or may have to experience this as well. The experience of conflicted emotions……guilt and grief mixed together.

 

Romeo, his younger brother and sister visited their step father again last night. They said that he stated that he is doing better. That the first night after everyone had left was the hardest. They know that going home after his rehabilitation process will be even tougher. His step father and mother were truly each others only companions. They did everything together and didn’t have a large circle of friends. They are now caring for a man they didn’t know very well, because they know their mother would have wanted that.  

Conflicted emotions……..

During the visits they have been able to see their step father in a different light. He told them to plan their mothers ceremony the way they preferred. He made sure that they received items that his mother would want them to have. They didn’t know this side of him. He treated them as her children. Like they deserved that level of respect. That he knew she was their mother and they had lost her. His hard shell was down and they could begin to see him as a grieving husband.  

Conflicted emotions……..

One phone call.

And life changes.

We will be blessed with the opportunity to have his mothers side of the family over tonight with his brothers and sisters for dinner.  

Conflicted emotions……

 

Death is closure but many times can bring healing.

I am praying for healing.

May he grieve for a mother he wished he had, a mother he did have, and a mother he lost…….

I pray for the same healing for his brothers and sisters who battle conflicted emotions regarding their mother. I pray for grandchildren to embrace the fact that although they may not have known her well, she is a part of their heritage. A part of who they are. A part of who their father is.

I pray for a time of healing that we can share with a side of his family that he hasn’t had the opportunity to really bond with.

I pray for healing for his “little boys” heart. His “mans” heart.

I pray for healing for his siblings “hearts”.

Why would I blog this?

Because sometimes real life doesn’t sparkle……it doesn’t photograph well and it doesn’t land in magazines…….

I blog this…….


Because it is true.

You may be experiencing pain within your family.

A conflicted relationship.

A hardened heart.

And all it takes is one phone call for your life to change.

Are you going to wait for the phone call we received?

Or, can you take the steps now towards healing. Sometimes healing isn’t possible. I believe the siblings had taken those steps and gave their mother all the love “she could receive”.

But, have you made that step?

Are you stubbornly waiting for someone else to make the first one?

It may never happen.

And you making the step…let’s be honest…….it may not work.

But when you get the phone call, like we did, you will know that you tried. That you did your best. That you took that step.

And you will not have regrets.

And no regrets makes healing a “little boys” manly heart even more possible.

I encourage you my friends.

If there are any grievances out there, any conflicts, any hurts that have not been resolved…..any situations that could leave you with regrets.

Think about our phone call.

A defining moment.

Don’t have regrets my friends.

Make peace with those you have hurt. Forgive those that have hurt you or have hurt the ones you love.

For then healing is possible.


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Is there one phone call you can make?

One visit you can take?

One amend you can make?

Do not hesitate…….

Love,

Me

40 thoughts on “Because it’s true……

  • March 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm
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    I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I will keep you all in my thoughts. Becky

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  • March 16, 2012 at 2:13 pm
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    My prayer is that you and your family will find peace during this stressful time. Thank you for sharing. Karen

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  • March 16, 2012 at 2:18 pm
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    Very hard to read this post because it is coming up on the anniversary of my own fathers death and that exact same phone call…we were packing the car with our kids to drive from Michigan to Florida to see them. Got the phone call and my dad went the exact same way. my Mom walked out of the room and she walked back in and he gasped and his head went back and that was it. In a moment everything changed. Our lives also changed at that moment and we live every moment to the fullest. So sorry you had to get that phone call too, but everything shapes us to make us better. Hugs and prayers to you and your hubby.

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    • March 17, 2012 at 8:50 pm
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      I fear losing my own parents. I know that I would want them to go quickly and to not suffer but so difficult to even grasp your grief. Thank you for our kind words. Love, Me

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  • March 16, 2012 at 2:26 pm
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    I just had to retype a letter I wrote to my mom 2 and half yrs after her suicide. A lady who does a run for suicide awareness needed it. It made me cry to experience those emotions I felt 12 years ago. I am sending cyber hugs to you and your husband, because I do know the pain.

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    • March 17, 2012 at 8:48 pm
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      Tracy, I think of you so often. I do not know how to grasp your kind of pain. What you must have went through. Losing a mother and a grandmother. Thank you for your compassion. I hope that your insight will help others deal with any grief or thoughts of suicide. Love, Rebecca

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  • March 16, 2012 at 2:31 pm
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    I truly understand this Rebecca. When our dad’s mother died we experienced first hand those conflicted emotions of grief mixed with guilt mixed with the pain of unresolved past hurts. She was a complex woman who raised complex children and I will never forget the look on my daddy’s face as he stood at her graveside…actually my eyes are welling up right now remembering it. I am so very sorry for what you all are going through and praying that everyone will lean into God to help heal the past hurts and pain as well as the current pain of the loss! Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us today and you know how much we appreciate walking through “real life” with each other and not just the “sparkly” parts. 🙂
    Blessings to you and your family my friend,
    Vanessa

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    • March 17, 2012 at 8:52 pm
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      It hurts to see our parents suffer a “child-like” pain and loss from losing a parent. Even more-so when their relationship was conflicted. Thank you for any prayers. Love you both. Love, Me

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  • March 16, 2012 at 2:51 pm
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    My thoughts and prayers are with your family. I, too, lost my Mom suddenly in December 2010. We were the best of friends – and I miss her every day. I hope folks reading your post will heed the advice you’ve given because it is all true…spot on is what I said out loud after reading it. A heavy dose of reality is needed from time to time, I think..Thank you for sharing. – Jenny

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    • March 17, 2012 at 8:53 pm
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      Oh Jenny. I cannot even imagine. I am close with my mother and father and have a hard time grasping that kind of loss. Thank you for sharing. Love, Me

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  • March 16, 2012 at 3:04 pm
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    This gave me chills. I have often thought how fast… in the snap of a finger… that things can change. One moment you can be playing with your kids or taking your pup for a walk and the next moment your life is doing a 180. So glad you post these “because its true”. While, I love a good furniture makeover or craft, these type of posts really speak to me and let me get to know you and help me think. While we may be 30, 40, or even 50 we will always be the little princesses or princes of parents and its so hard to lose them. Lots of love and warm thoughts being sent out to you and your family and your hubby’s family.

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  • March 16, 2012 at 7:29 pm
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    What a beautifully written post that I feel everyone should read. I wish one of my family members could read this but if I try, it would just bring more anger. Once our loved ones are gone, they’re gone. There is no going back. I am sorry for your husband’s loss and I am sorry that his mother never truly knew her children.

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    • March 17, 2012 at 8:56 pm
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      Thank you LovePetunia. I am sorry for your conflicts in your family. I hope and pray that you will have a miracle come your way. Love, Me

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  • March 16, 2012 at 7:57 pm
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    I am thankful Romeo has u to hold his hand and walk with him through this, for all of the feelings & conflicts & quiet grief — grief for many things, times, memories, and most of all, his mother. Hold his hand & walk with him. I know this will be his time and you will honor all the levels of his grief, in his own way. And I am thankful. Love to you all, and a gentle hug to his stepfather for me, for his loss is too painful to touch right now. I can’t imagine how hard it was for him to feel so helpless …oxo –s

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  • March 17, 2012 at 2:43 am
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    Rebecca, I’m so sorry. Please accept and share with your family my most sincere sympathy. Life isn’t always pretty, you shared beautifully, and as only one who’s been there can, how un-pretty families can be sometimes. BTDT, too. But I made the phone calls. Awful times. Glad you can be together and healing can begin through the only One who can make it happen. Feel free to get in touch anytime.

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    • March 17, 2012 at 9:00 pm
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      Janet, I appreciate your kind words. I am sooooo glad “you” made the phone calls. I hope it brought you healing. Love, Me

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  • March 17, 2012 at 8:46 am
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    Oh my friend…I am SO sorry.
    What a lovely post.
    It made me think.
    Hard.
    I have an unresolved conflict.

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  • March 17, 2012 at 2:19 pm
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    So very sorry to read this Rebecca. I will pray for your family, that all will find healing & Peace. God Bless….. K.

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    • March 17, 2012 at 9:01 pm
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      Thank you Kathy. Just came home. It was a sweet time of remembrance of the mother that that they knew as children. Love, Me

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  • March 17, 2012 at 11:53 pm
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    Rebecca, I am a new follower to your blog – but I want to extend my sincere sympathy to you and your family (and your husband’s step-father). I too know how life can change on a dime when my brother, who was my mother’s caregiver, died unexpectantly two years ago in July. Since I am the only other child – mine and my husband’s life did a 180. I have had conflicts with my mom since I was very young – but she needs me now and I will take care of her. It isn’t easy, but I will do the best I can – no regrets. Once again – may God bless you and your extended family.
    Hugs –
    Carol

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  • March 18, 2012 at 3:29 am
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    I keep thinking of you and your family, and what all are going through on many personal levels. I guess I keep returning to Romeo`s mother & stepfather because I know families pulled apart by remarriages,though most of my local friends were an issue of widowhood. I know it is hard for adult children who still feel loss over their parents’ choices. But I think if it’s someone you love, even if they couldn’t show you love, or if they didn’t wait long enough to suit a child, or whatever… I am thankful that a withdrawn woman was finally given an equally quiet man with whom she *could* share her later years. Because he loved her he opened up to her children perhaps in a way she couldn’t. Sure it’s giving material things, but apparently she could express to him how she loved them…and in his own pain he wanted to share that…in his way, perhaps wanting to pass on what she was able to share with him and no one else. Am I making any sense? I hope you can feel what’s in my heart and know it’s borne of love and knowing similar situations. As far as my unresolved issue/person, I have tried,chewed holes in my lip, and I have resolved to take the high road, not do what he does in revenge, and forgive what I cannot understand. It goes to a higher court. It is the most civil resolution I can come to. Love you, Reb–s

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  • March 18, 2012 at 7:24 am
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    Im really sorry to hear your loss
    You will get through this
    Sending you virtual *hugs*
    Michelle x

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  • March 18, 2012 at 5:33 pm
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    I’m sorry for the loss your whole family is suffering through, each in their own way. My siblings and I don’t have as good of a relationship with our mom as any of us would like. Dad died almost 40 years ago when we were 7,9 and 11. It’s not that she’s been a bad mom, it’s just the kind of person she is. Critical of all of us. We’ve all tried over the years, but nothing changes. I know that someday she’ll be gone, and I’m not looking forward to it.

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    • March 19, 2012 at 6:19 pm
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      If it’s ok by you, I’ll keep your family in my prayers? One of my dearest friends could have written your comment and I know how it tears at her. Especially trying to work with her sibs re her mom ‘s Alz care. And the nasty days with her mom &the Alz …childhood “owies “. –s

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  • March 18, 2012 at 7:18 pm
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    I’m so sorry on your loss, having lost both of my parents I can so relate to your pain. My thoughts are with you.

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  • March 18, 2012 at 10:10 pm
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    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. You words about are beautiful & could not be more true……

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  • March 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm
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    Deepest sympathy to you and your family. Your words are healing within them self. Thank you for reminding me today of things I need to do before it’s too late. God bless you!

    Julie
    redheadcandecorate.com

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  • March 19, 2012 at 6:11 pm
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    Though it’s in the next post, it’s your party post.thank you for sharing the pastor’s anecdote. That’s where her heart was, even if she was verbally & physically “quiet” with those in her heart. What a gift he gave to hv remembered, to honor & memorialize her. –s oxo

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  • March 19, 2012 at 11:13 pm
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    Oh Rebecca, I’m so sorry! I’m behind on my emails (I subscribe) and am just now reading this. Will be praying peace and comfort for all of you during this time!
    xoxo!
    Melody

    Reply

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