I have not known how to post this. I have not wanted to post this. I have really not wanted to endure this.
But in real life, which is what my blog has revolved around……...people die.
And you all deserve to know why I “disappeared” and why I want to “come back” and find my voice again to blog but just wasn’t ready.
I just needed some time to grieve. To be with my family and to just cry…….
My dad’s health has deteriorated for some time throughout the last couple of years.
And he would get better……and he would get worse…….
And Dr’s really couldn’t give us any real answers.
In January through March what was severe stomach pain began progressing and moving into his spine, he began bleeding internally and externally and the pain intensified.
He had lost an enormous amount of weight.
The Dr’s were stumped.
We heard possible cancer, sepsis, ecoli, MRSA, you name it………
He lived in the hospital and became so weak and feeble.
He wanted to go home and not to our Clearpond home….he wanted to go to his heavenly home. He was tired of fighting.
And my dad is tough.
Well, at the end of February and start of March we met a wonderful team in a new hospital that were really getting some answers. They were focusing on Ecoli and were going to do more thorough tests, without being too graphic, they needed his bleeding to stop to see if there were issues that could be cancer somewhere. They also wanted to make sure the sepsis/ecoli had not settled in his spine, which would be a “game changer” for us and for dad’s chances recovery.
But on the morning of March 4th, they called us all in to meet with the team of Dr’s discussing dad’s health and chances of recovery and…..we got wonderful news!
We were going to be moving dad to a “recovery” home, to get him ready to come home. We had life changing things to face……but our dad was coming home!
I have seven brother’s and sister’s. All of us, including in-laws, were in the meeting either on conference calls or in person.
We were so excited but scared for what dad still had to face and how we would be able to help with his recovery.
He did not want to live like he was at that point and we knew it, but we were given hope that he could improve even more.
There were still some tests out there they were waiting on, but we all left with different tasks to prepare daddy to come home.
I will never forget standing in the hallway and talking to my family outside of daddy’s room. We were only allowed in there two at a time and my brother said…..”Do you want to see dad before you go back to work?”
I knew he needed that time with dad and I knew I would see dad when I got off work or later that night when I came back to the hospital………so I said “No, I will give others some time”……and I left.
At around 4pm that day my sister text’d us all to pray, and that daddy was in extreme pain.
At 5pm she text’d for anyone that could, should get to the hospital immediately.
At 5:25 I ran into a room with my family crying, a nurse hurriedly wrapping me in a blue gown and ran to my daddy’s bedside and held his face in my hands………..as he was dying. I told him how I loved him, my children came and told them they loved him, he was surrounded by family as a shocked doctor tried to tell us how she was even shocked at the outcome.
With no explanation medically…….just confusion as to what had just happened…..
My daddy died.
So brutally blunt, I know.
But it’s true. You live and you die.
He was ready. We thought we were. We knew he didn’t want to live confused, feeble or with his family having to tend to his basic needs……but we weren’t as ready as we thought.
He was a powerful presence that will be missed…..forever.
But I was blessed to have had a father, to have had a father such as him, and to have been able to say goodbye.
You live and you die…….he wasn’t afraid of dying.
About a year and a half before daddy passed, and out of the blue, all seven of us children received a manilla envelope in the mail.
Inside was a letter from my dad which said something like this,
The world has changed and in this turbulent times I believe we all need to have an emergency plan. We need to have a place set where we can all meet should things happen. I have found that place. Please listen to this CD and you will know where to meet your mother and I.
Please listen yourself and I hope to introduce you to my daddy one day. You will know where to meet us.
We know where to meet him and we are blessed to know he will be waiting.
I love you all and will be talking to you again soon.